Friday, May 1, 2009

its all about the Dave ...

Well this week I've began to round up all my things, began packing for the big move at the end of the month! My roommate Steve's been in touch. He described prison as an extended holiday. Brilliant. I see why he's in there now. Nothing phases this guy. Before he was carted off to jail, he was demoted from work, living off take out and basically spent his days on his xbox. He physically wouldn't move. He had no ambition. Nothing. When he got a girlfriend, i thought this has to inspire some feeling of some form, excitement? Human emotion maybe? He said 'I can be bothered with this one'. Lucky girl. But he was the happiest guy in the world, nothing phased him. I never saw him angry, frustrated or upset, and the fact that he see's prison as a vacation sums him up! Here are the rest of us, ambitious, excited in life and yet always moaning. We're never satisfied. Maybe we could learn something from Prison Steve, as he will now be known.

I've been listening to the delights of the Ricky Gervais podcasts this week, hours of just listening to Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant having intellegent debates, which are regularly ruined with the thoughts of Karl Pilkington. I've been laughing in tears for hours on end, I've laughed more at these podcasts than all Ricky's series and all his stand up comedy, and I'm a BIG Ricky fan. If you haven't listened to them, make sure you download them at Itunes, they are bloody hilarious !

In the world of work this week; my girlfriend turned up and stayed at my hotel. I know what your thinking... 'Dave ya big homo, what you doin' gettin' yaself a girlfriend? You don't hang out with them folk!!?'' Well for those of you who are not aware of this story I will share! In the Schaumburg area there are 5 Marriott properties under various brands. We occasionally call each other up for information such as occupancy and if a guest turns up at the wrong hotel and such. Anyway a couple of times before I've been chatting to these front desk agents, getting quite friendly, we've ended up going out after work, as you can imagine most nights at 11pm after we finish work, there isnt many people wanting to go out!

anyway I had been ringing this Marriott property for sometime, and each time I'd got quite chatty with this girl, I couldn't remember her name, I assumed it was Chloe or something like that. She looked like a Chloe, and I'm sure thats what she said her name was. Anyway she asked if I wanted to go for a quick drink after work. I was all up for it. I love meeting new friends, new drinking buddies are always fun, I'm game for that. So she picks me up. Fairly piggish looking girl. Not the most attractive.

I'm all for inner beauty, but if somethings gonna turn me straight, it wouldn't be this...

So anyway it soon becomes apparent that this girl is after more than friendship. She tells me how she'd been joking with some girl at work wondering what the hell she would do (bare in mind we'd only spoken on the phone) if she'd turned up to the bar and I'd been 60 years old. I laughed, confused, and asked her what she would of done. She replied, 'I'd just shut my eyes'.

So, quite scared. Didn't know what to do. The poor girl was so damn happy I'd even turned up that I couldn't crush her dreams that this was a date and not a drink with a gay mate. I didn't tell her, and instead made it obvious I wasn't really interested in sex or relationships and that I was leaving in a couple of weeks (at the time it was more like 6 months but whatever, you do what u have to do). I've since been criticized for instead of at least maintaining her ego of telling her I was gay, I just let her think i just wasn't interested in HER. Meh. anyway she soon got bored and began chatting up the barman, who would you believe it, was even less interested in her than I was. And he actually likes girls!

The next evening she turned up at work unannounced, saying she was gonna drive me home. I would of made an excuse, but it was raining and I wanted the ride. I'd of accepted it off Charles Manson at this point due to the thunder and hail which was pounding down on this remote suburb. We got back to mine and it was a bit awkward, think she wanted me to invite her in or at least a kiss, instead i ran out shouting 'THANKS!'

On Valentines Day she turns up at my work and asks if we're going out for a drink. Luckilly I was doing an usual shift of working on until 1am, she offered to stick about but I excused that by saying I had too much to do.

Anyway since my managers and colleagues have been mocking me asking me how my girfriend is etc and having a good laugh at it all. I personally think its all a bit harsh on Chloe, or whatever her name is.

At this point I would like to remind you I still didn't know this girls name. I felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld.

Anyway Monday night comes along... as it does. She turns up just before 11, I thought 'jesus christ here we go'. She was like ''hiiiiii! I'm staying here''. Turns out due to her living far away or something she needed somewhere to stay... (i was just grateful she hadnt asked to stay at mine!!). Anyway the awkward bit came where I had to check her in, I had no idea what the hell her name was??? Anyway there was a moments hesitation and silence, and then she handed me her Marriott associate identification, and I see her names Taylor! friggin Taylor. Where the hell was Chloe from?

Anyway luckily she hasn't been asking me out or trying it on or anything. Well if anything, its a bonus her staying because I have an excuse, I can't be fooling around with guests now can I? Ah ha! Shes ultimately ruined any future for us, if there was to ever be one. And unless she has a very dark secret (which even then would be at a push, don't do inbetweens), i doubt there would be one.

Talking of weirdos fancying me (a regular topic). My roommate Jake decides to set me up last weekend with one of his fiances friends. Now I hate set ups, you end up feeling sort of required to do something then. Like when someones bought you an expensive dinner, you have to give in then don't you, no matter how weird and boring they are. Anyway we go and theres a good few of us. I asked Jake before we met what this guy was like, he said 'I only met him once at Halloween', I was like great, this has to be gold.

We get there and I'm introduced to Simon (again I think thats what his name was, I didn't pay much attention), who is the weirdest, ugliest pug faced arse you'd ever met. But you know, you at least think maybe they have a personality. Well this one did, but its not the type you'd ever want anywhere near you.

Now I love awkwardness, i thrive off it, so i was loving it all night. This guy tells me he's a professional singer and a fantastic actor. He then decides to prove he's neither of these by doing sketches from ab-fab and Seinfeld, just because 1) i was british, and 2) i mentioned at some point during the night, that I liked seinfeld. His acting was terrible. He basically did the sketch in his same voice, same way, just him basically reading the script with no acting skills at all. Now of all the Seinfelds to do, there are many to pick from, maybe the masturbation competition, the time George took his dead ex fiances parents to the hamptons, or even maybe when Kramer became the president of an OAP club in Florida. But no, he decides to choose the episode which includes Elaine dancing. He then begins to stand up and in front of the entire BAR did Elaine's horrific dance.

It got worse...

He heard also, due to a discussion I'd had with one of his friends a month ago, that I liked the Darkness. He'd done his research, I'll give him credit. He's obviously heard about my love of freaks too but had gone too far with it. Anyway he got so excited with this that he confirmed with me that i liked the Darkness. I said I loved them. He said he was going to sing it on the kareoke in there for me, I believe in a think called love. I was honored. I asked him if he could do the high pitch voice. He decided to show me, again with no music and in the middle of this mid ranged Hoffman Estates pub (it was a Friday night, it was a busy) that again he couldnt really do any of the things he'd claimed to. The high pitched note was similar to the noise a cat makes when its being strangled. Anyway I couldn't ruin his dreams, I let him go up there, and he managed to ruin one of my favorite songs of all time. Thank you Simon, if that is your name. who knows?

At the end of the evening he asked me if would like to go out sometime, I told him I had to go but Jake would pass on my number. I don't know whether he took that as a yes or a no, but I quickly told Jake not to ever give that boy my number. He gave him the number to an official rejection hotline.

Swine flu's got a bit about this week. I've had to get bacteria wipes and wipe all the keyboards and phones down. I've also seen protective masks come in which they used during the sars epidemic. i'm hoping they are not for us. I do not want to be checking guests in looking like I'm about to repaint the place. My manager sneezed. You should of seen everyone shit themselves. Priceless.

The new Freddie Krugar movie is to be remade in Arlington Heights which is the next village to me. I was there last week with my mum and dad, lovely little town, but we did say it would make a perfect horror movie location, so there you go. I love Alrington Heights, its the smallest village you could possibly come across, but the centre of it with the trainstation and a choice of 4 restaurants and a bar is actually known as 'Downtown Arlington Heights'', its all going on there!

Wanted to send a message out to the family of Carol Spinks who suddenly died earlier this week. Carol was the life and soul of all the Hatton partiies, throughout 21 years of knowing her, all I remember was laughing when she was about, she had an amazing sense of humour and managed to break Hatton tension (and believe me theres a lot of it) in seconds. She will be will be truely missed.

Not much else happening! Me and Sandra went out for a lovely lunch at Wildfire, a place which makes a grilled cheese sandwich, aka cheese on toast become pretentious. one of the priciest places in Schaumburg this week. Its somewhere many people save up to go maybe on a special occasion but me and Sandra like a couple of middle aged desperate housewives do lunch there like we have money coming out of our backsides. It got us wondering though where the hell everyones money goes to? Everyone else seems to have the same rent, responsibilities, nights out etc, and yet everyone complains they dont have money to do anything and yet me and Sandra go off travelling all the time and go for fancy dinners willy nilly. This got me and Sandra worried whether there was some form of tax we haven't been paying which everyone else has. Will we be randomly pulled up for tax avasion or even fraud before we leave? Who knows... maybe it'll be in next week's blog! :) We've since worked it out that the fact that we don't have a car and walk miles everyday saves us a lot of money hence why we can afford to do extravagant things, daily, but we pay the price of walking about 10 miles a day, and bare in mind Schaumburg doesn't have sidewalks!!

12 weeks and I'm home people (not that I'm counting), well thats if i'm not joining Steve for tax avasion!

This week: Emily comes from Boston to Chicago! possible trip to Indianapolis and a Bryan Adams gig :) The Mccans are on oprah on monday so dont miss that if your in america, because they'll surely find her in Chicago, IL after losing her in Portugal. i cant wait to see shannon matthews mother on there, now that would be a show. i passed leeds crown court last year as it was just near my student flat. I saw a bunch of chavs outside with prams... it was the the matthews family. such class, such elegance.

Until next time ... chiow!

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